Do I Love You?

You've been dating your guy for sometime now and you wanna take it to the next level.  Is that level the "L" word? Is it the "M" word? no matter what level you're talking about you wonder if you guy is thinking the same thing. 

Here's the short answer.  If you're wondering, he's not thinking.  You'll know if he is...trust me.

Still, all you can think about is the rest of your life with him.  Getting married, having kids, owning a home, and growing old together.  That's great that you feel that way but you wonder, "why doesn't he?"  Everytime you bring up the future and how he's involved in that future, you notice he tries to either:

A) Shrug it off
B) Change the subject
C) Becomes condescending and just kisses you on the forehead

But why?

As the best selling book and movie states...He's just not that into you

He's into his fantasy football league, he's into going out with his buddies, he's into everything but his future with you.  It's not his fault.  Hes genetically predetermined to spread his seed and not be tied down to one girl.  I'm not condoning this, but its true.  This may be the one case that it's not you, it's him. 

You may be the perfect girl any guy could ask for, however, he may not be looking for that girl just yet.  Now I'm not saying every guy is like this.  Some guys have deep issues with committing.  Some tall-tale signs of this guy are:

1) Never sets plans in stone
2) Has the wondering eye that window shops constantly
3) Friends who never committed to anything

If this sounds like your guy, you're wasting your time.  I hate to say it but its true. 

Now if your guy sounds like the prior, he may just need some more time to warm up to the notion that life with you is great and something to look forward to.  The last thing you want to do is force him or persuade him into a commitment like that.  You may convince him now but years down the road it will lead to resentment and ultimately cheating/breaking up.

So here's my olive branch.  Let the relationship run its course.  He'll be ready when he's ready.  If that time isn't now and you need it now, you're with the wrong guy.  If he has commitment issue as stated earlier, then stop wasting your time and move onto bigger and better fish.

Controlling Much?

I hear it all the time. "I'm not controlling, I just want to know where he is all the time." These girls are either A) in denial about being controlling or B) think that if they admit they are controlling, they're admitting to doing something wrong.

Before I dive into my "5 ways you know you're a controlling", I always wondered what compelled you to be so controlling? I'd understand if you're dating a guy who is untrustworthy to begin with but then again...why are you with a guy whose untrustworthy to begin with?

What if you're dating a trustworthy guy? In my opinion, that means 2 things. 1) You were hurt from someone in the past and now projecting it on them or 2) You're untrustworthy to begin with and now think he's going to do what you think about doing all the time. Get over it or move on.

My 5 ways you know you're a controlling!

5) When you're out at the bars, you always know where he is, who he is talking to, who he has talked to, how much he's had to drink, and most importantly which girls have been remotely looking at him.

4) You lean over his shoulder when he's either; texting, emailing, or going through his phone in general. When he leaves his phone unguarded, like to go to the bathroom, you quickly go through his phone. Now the sad thing is that you probably have about 15 seconds to do this so you go right for the incriminating stuff. The text messages and call log. You're trying to find something to pin him on..anything!

You also go through his phone with him and ask him how he knows every Amber, Jessica, Erin, and any other girl's name you may come across. Then you grill him by asking, "Why do you need all these girls numbers?" Let it go ladies, let it go.

3) You ask him to check in with you at all times. You probably hide the controlling part by saying, "I just want to know that you're okay." But what it really means is, "I just want to make sure your dick is still in your pants."

2) You go through his Facebook account. You got his password by scheming. "Hey honey, I want to see "so and so's" Facebook profile but you're the only one whose friends with them. Whats your password for me to log into your facebook?" Sneaky. Now its like the phone but worse! You have all the free time in the world. You can play CSI Facebook all night. You investigate his profile, fine comb through his messages (sent, deleted, and recieved) , get a list of suspects from his list of friends, and the list goes on.

News flash...ITS JUST FACEBOOK. Why do people insist that Facebook is the be all, end all? For example, someone is not single until Facebook says so.

1) He has no more friends because you don't like any of them, therefore he doesn't like any of them. The sad thing is you've sucsessfully brain washed him into being your slave. You have complete control over his thoughts and everyday manurisms. You've broken him down in ways only Hitler, Stalin, and Castro has. Way to go Lucifer, you win. Now go enjoy your ball-less shell of a man.

So here is the Lending Hand perspective: If you can't trust him, leave him. If you don't trust yourself, get help and stop punishing him (who did nothing wrong).

It's Been a While

I'M BACK!

I know I've been MIA for a while and there's no excuse. Well there is actually, I've been doing something called work and it hasn't been fun. I would love to sit here and make new blogs all day but I literally don't have time between work, girlfriend, and my own sanity!

I remember when I first started writing these blogs I thought I'd have a plethora of thoughts to write about. 15 blogs later, I realized that this whole "blog" thing was much harder than I thought. Then, even when you try to keep your identity hidden, you tend to hurt someones feelings. You didn't intend for it to happen, but it happens. It's just something that comes with the territory.

So here we go.
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"Why does he check out other girls when I'm around!?" she cries. "Whether we're walking in the mall, eating dinner, or even in the car, he seems to look at every girl that walks by!"

Does this sound like you? Does it sound like someone you know? Every girl has known or knows this guy. I like to call him the window shopper.

The window shopper is also known, by Britney fans, as a womanizer. He always thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Sadly, he also thinks he has a chance with all the girls he looks at.

The good news? He's only window shopping. He's not buying anything, just looking around. The analogy I like to use is Tiffany's. The sterling silver stuff is you and its been your "Go-to" jewlery for the longest time! Every girl loves Tiffany's! (even though its still just STERLING SILVER) The girls that walk by are the sea of diamonds that shine and glimmer from across the room. He can't help but stare. Those are wayy too much but he thinks, "I'm just looking"

The bad news? It's only a matter of time until he thinks, "What the hell, why not?". Once you're distracted he'll go over to the expensive side of Tiffany's and instead of window shopping, hes checking out prices, looking to finance, and looking to buy.

More good news (depending how you look at it). He may be looking at other girls but he also may be looking at other guys, grandmas, little kids, mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers. You may just be noticing that he's only looking at girls, when the truth is he's looking at everyone. He just likes to people watch. I know I do. Nothing beats a nice afternoon of people watching.

People watching could, and should be, a sport. I could do it all day! I'm like a special CIA operative. I can tell you what the couple across the way is arguing about and what the family of 7 is eating 4 tables over and to the right.

The bottom line is, you need to check 3 things.

1) Is he just harmlessly window shopping?
2) Is he trying stuff on?
3) Is it just my jelous old self?

If he's option 1 or 3 then no need to worry. If option 2 is creeping up on you, refer to number 3 first and if you think you're not crazy then have a little chat.

Best of luck with your shopping endevors!

Mother do you hear me?

"You're such a momma's boy!" I hear that phrase almost every time I'm sick, hungry, or in an ear shot of my mother.

I'll admit, I love my mother but I am in no way a momma's boy. Is it a crime that my mom knows how to make me feel better when I'm sick? Is it a crime that my mothers food knows how to make me feel at home? Is it a crime that she folds my sleeves up when I reach across the dinner table so I don't get my shirt dirty?

Okay, so that last one was kind of a crime, but in my defense, I always say, "MOM! Really?! Stop." Then she gives me those motherly eyes and my manly heart just melts.

If this sounds like your boyfriend, chances are he is a bit of a momma's boy. However, you should know that it isn't his fault. She was the one who raised him and took care of him when he was sick, hungry, and when he scraped his knee on the ground when playing tag in the backyard.

It's not that you won't do the same. You're there when he falls and hurts himself and you're there when hes sick and needs a wet cloth on his forehead. The difference is you get mad at him for his failures, while his mom accepts his failures without bitching.

Don't worry, your man still loves you. You'll just have to come to terms that your man, has two great loves of his life. You and his Mother. I know, it sucks but the sooner you deal with it, accept it, and embrace it, the easier life will be. It's not like you can remove her from his life for good.

Look at it this way, at least he comes from a loving family. Which is always better than coming from a broken home of hate and alcohol.

What Did I Do?!

Things that we do that piss you off. Got your attention? Thought so.



The following are things that may piss you off or irritate you.

-We leave the toilet seat up
-We throw our clothes on the floor, over the bed post, over the chair, and on the stair railings
-We leave our dishes in the sink and call that, "cleaning the dishes"
-We have no idea which clothes are clean and which are dirty (we base cleanliness on smell)
-We wait until the last minute to tell you that we're going golfing or when we (as in I) said we were going to meet our friends for dinner
-We let our gases out anywhere and everywhere and see no problem in doing so
-We can eat whatever we want, whenever we want
-We can sleep with many partners and not be called a whore (if we are called a whore, we take it as a compliment)
-We take up all of the room in the bed at night
-Play video games, watch sports, and have weird hobbies that take up "Us" time
-We don't listen to your every command
-We don't read your minds
-We're selfish
-We're just not good enough

See the trend? If guys were to make a list of things that you do that pisses us off, it would be the exact opposite of the list above. However, that doesn't mean we're right and you're wrong. It just means that we need to work on a happy medium.

If this seems like your list of "shit you hate", then this Lending Hand would like to tell you to talk to him and tell him why this bothers you. Come to a common ground, because where there isn't communication there isn't a relationship.

But most importantly, don't approach him with the following, "Hey, can we talk? Its kind of serious." That will automatically put him into defensive mode. Also, don't talk to him about it right before or during the thing that pisses you off. That will lead to absolutely nothing!

Wait until he is in a good mood. When he's happy, work is great, and you guys aren't fighting. This way he wont get all defensive and have a rebuttal for everything you say. Relationship are about compromise and you can't compromise when he's rejecting everything you say.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Jackass

Every girl knows how it goes. When he's around you he couldn't be any more perfect. He says the sweetest things, cuddles you, and watches Sex and the City with you.

Even around your girlfriends he is the nicest guy. He's engaged in the conversations and provides his opinion. This can't be true! Not only is he the cuddle bug in bed but you can bring him out to see your friends too!

Then it happens. Just when you thought nothing could bring this "relationship high" down, you see how he acts around his friends.

One moment you're twirling around in the park on a clear sunny day, and before you know it the clouds roll in and rain on your parade.

What the hell happened?! He was such a great guy around my friends and behind closed doors, but in front of his friends he's a total dick.

There is something ladies should know about when men congregate together. Guys have a little chemical problem called testosterone, and when multiple guys get together in a room all of the testosterone combines to become Captain Planet! Well not Captain Planet but something very similar...like Captain Jackass.

Once this metamorphosis occurs there is no stopping it. The dirty jokes, the vulgar comments about the girl on TV, and the overall disrespect towards women.

So why do we do this? It's very simple. We have an animalistic urge to beat our chest and yell at the top of our lungs. We want to show you that WE ARE MEN! The problem is, we don't know that the demonstration of uber badassness actually acts as a repellent to any women in a 30 mile radius.

Call it ignorance, but ignorance is bliss. If you don't tell him it bothers you, he'll keep doing it. He won't grow out of it, if that is what you are thinking.

My advice to you is to take him aside and tell him that you don't like how he acts differently in front of his friends. Atleast you've spoken your peace. Chances are that he won't heed your words and stop, but atleast you said something. Just understand that he can't help it. Let him be a guy around his guy friends. Just shake your head and know that it's not because he doesn't respect you, it's because he's a guy.

Guest Blogger: You Live and You Learn

Lending Hand here. I wanted to give a chance for one of my loyal readers to give their perspective on what failed relationships cost you. This blogger, who shall remain anonymous, is someone who has been through the toughest of tough relationships and still came out on top.

Her story is one to look up to, as it happens to many of my readers. When you fail and fall down, get back up. But get up, understand your faults, and get better. Her experiences have allowed her to realize what she needs/needed to do to move on and move forward...

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When the proposition of writing a guest blog for the Lending Hand presented itself, I was simultaneously excited and terrified. Brainstorming this entry made me realize just how little I know and understand about men, women, and relationships in general.
As a newly single 27-year-old, I realized that I have absolutely no advice to lend to the population about how to conduct a successful relationship. Truth be told, it's kind of depressing!

Either way, here it goes.

The two long term relationships I've been in have gone down in flames. None of those mutual "the timing was wrong" type of endings here. My mom once told me that you can judge the quality of a relationship by the way it ends. For example, if the breakup was bad, most likely the relationship was too.

If we're to believe dear old Mom, that would mean the only two relationships I've ever had were terrible ones. Which leads me to this---the only thing I really know about relationships is what not to do and how not to act. These things are, incidentally, exactly what I always do and how I always act when I am in a relationship! Ah ha! We've stumbled on my area of relationship expertise.

The cardinal sin that I committed in both of these relationships, was approaching them as a jobs. Not in the sense that I viewed them as something that took up a lot of time and required energy to maintain—but in the sense that I literally approached my boyfriends as projects that required teaching and coiffing to properly prepare them to be the perfect boyfriends of tomorrow.

The problem with this approach is--- although they'll usually learn a lot from you, and after all is said and done, they are a better person because of you, you won't reap the benefits. The fruits of your labor will almost always be enjoyed by their next girlfriend, with whom they will have a successful, mutually respectful relationship.

In addition, your "project boyfriend" will never see you as an equal (because they assume that you don't see them as such) and in his eyes you will turn into his mother—which is not sexy, no matter what Freud thinks.

Who wouldn't want a beautiful woman who cleans up after you, does your laundry, lends helpful advice, interests themselves in your interests, focuses entirely on you?
The truth is, every man WOULD want this in moderation—but making someone else your life, your project, and your only concern is impossible to keep under control, and inevitably it becomes all-consuming. Before you know it, it has consumed any semblance of mutual partnership you ever had.

My theory, that this was the appropriate way to approach a relationship, or treat a person, was based on the misguided thought that any person would appreciate you pouring your heart into the sole task of their betterment. When I think it through in hindsight, if someone did this to me I would most likely be insulted that they didn't think I was capable of being good at anything on my own.

This entry has been decidedly self-critical, and perhaps the only thing you'll take away is that I will never have a successful relationship. However, I believe there is something to be gained. Never lose yourself in a relationship. You'll look back when it's over (and it will be over) and you'll realize that you spent years helping and bettering someone, and that someone was not you. Like me, when you lose yourself and focus on the other, you'll never get that wonderful feeling that they made you a better person, because they didn't---you didn't give them a chance.

- Guest Blogger

Our Secret Confessions

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...

The age old saying that basically states that we are both different. Men like one thing and Women like something else. There is an invisible line that cannot, and will not, be crossed. However, do you know how deep that line runs?

Guys need to put up the persona that we are real men. Men who don't like movies about romance, we can't dress ourselves properly, we don't listen to Justin Timberlake or Britney Spears, and we absolutely don't cry when watching movies!

Well guess what.....

The line I spoke of earlier is more of a guideline than a line written in stone. Each and every guy has a secret love for something that is thoroughly enjoyed by the opposite sex. For example, I love Britney Spears new song "If You Seek Amy", I liked the Notebook, I cried at the end of sappy sad movies like "Nights in Roadanthe", and most importantly I love shopping for new clothes.

Does that make me less of a man?! Does this mean I'm in touch with my feminine side? Does this make me a metro sexual?!

No. I'm a real man, albeit a man who just confessed to my readers a secret that every man has. We like chick stuff (from time to time).

I'm not ashamed to tell you that. Your man might be afraid to admit it he does though. So here's my Olive Branch. To break this mold, on your next "date night" get a sappy chick flick, a nice glass of Merlot, light a candle, and cuddle with him in bed.

While you're watching the movie, look for the signs of his sweating eyes. When the movie gets to the moment of sheer sadness, see if he looks up at the ceiling or makes a joke about the movie and how corny it is. He's doing this to keep his eyes from letting loose.

Give him a hug ans say, "It's okay to cry. It's not your fault" Repeat this unitl he breaks down. (A concept stolen from Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting".)

Every man has a soft side, and when he shows you that soft side, understand that he's completely and utterly yours. Embrace it and thank your lucky stars you have a guy who isn't afraid to show it.

Just a side note. If you want to keep that soft side around, don't let his buddies know about it. Bad, bad, bad idea.

What We Say and What We Really Mean

Girls aren't the only gender that will say one thing and mean another. For example, "Go ahead and hang out with the guys. No really, its fine!" What you really mean is, "Go ahead and go. But know that if you do go, I'm going to rip off your balls and make you sleep on the couch."

Sadly, not all men understand this concept. We will go out with the guys and be perplexed upon our return. Why is she mad? What did I do? She said it was cool?! However, this blog isn't about how I have decoded your secret messages. This blog is intended for you to understand our own code.

When ladies ask us the question, "How do I look?" We reply in many different ways. On a side note, this question is deemed "entrapment". It's a catch-22! No matter how we respond, we get burned by answering it. We're either saying you're fat or don't look as fat as you do in the other outfit.

I digress. When you ask the question, "How do I look?" We reply:

1. "You look good"
Either you actually look good or he just doesn't care. He's an expert at understanding the question being asked. You don't really want to know if you look good, you know you look good. You just want him to acknowledge that you look good.

However, you know how he thinks and hit him back with the, "You're just saying that so I'll leave you alone." Guess what.... You're right! He doesn't care if you look good or not. He just wants to get out of the house and get to dinner on time for once!

2. "You look good?"
This is the, "Is that the answer you were looking for?" response. This means you have successfully beaten down him like a red headed step child. He doesn't know what to say. He's confused by the question and digs deep down inside to give you the answer he thinks you are looking for.

However, we all know how this ends. You accuse him of lying (which he is) and you delay the departure for dinner another 20 min while you find another outfit for you to test his obedience on.

3. "You look good in everything!"
Wow. He really wants to make that dinner reservation. At this point he'll say anything and everything to get your ass in the car and into the restaurant. This is also probably the point where you've asked us how you look after you have tried on 6 different outfits, 3 pairs of shoes, and had your hair 4 different ways.

Time is money, or in this case time is means missing the dinner reservation. But lets face it. You don't care about the dinner (even though you've been begging us for a "date night"). All you care about is whether or not your guy thinks you look good. You're looking for that perfect response but you rarely receive it.

So here's the Olive Branch from a Lending Hand. Read carefully, this is the most crucial part to the blog...HE LOVES WHATEVER YOU WEAR! YOU REALLY DO LOOK GREAT IN EVERYTHING!

If he thought you didn't look good in anything he'd probably leave you for a younger, better you. (Unless he's overweight from years of being with you and "letting it go"). Even when you're having a "I don't feel pretty" day, he thinks you are the most radiant person in the universe. There is nothing you could wear that would repel him or make him think twice about dating you (caveat: unless you are wearing Uggs ,with your jeans tucked into them, oversized tee-shirt, and giant gold hoop earrings).

If your guy answers with any of the three prior responses, understand that he loves you and does love what you're wearing. Now can we finally get to dinner on time!?

Lending Hand Answers

A reader of mine commented on my "Out With The Old, In With The New" blog, so I decided I would answer her comment.

ItsJessicaRhoads said,

"A very simple way to avoid this entire scenario from recurring is to stop talking about your ex.

There's no reason your girlfriend should know that much information about your ex in the first place. What is the point of talking about your ex's favorite restaurant, movies you saw together, special dates... and worst of all, sexual playlists & baby names? Are you serious? Regardless of whether or not they nag or complain to you about it, nobody wants to hear that kind of unnecessary information. After offering up all those irrelevant and intimate details, you're lucky that your girlfriend has stuck around long enough to give you a hard time about it."

You have to remember, it's not like guys are willing to tell their girlfriends these things. Girls need to have full disclosure on prior girlfriends. Why? I don't know. Please fill me in on that one. They have a sixth sense for being able to identify if a guy been somewhere or seen something before with a love of the past.

I don't know if it's a feeling you have, a hair standing on the back of your neck, or just psychic powers, but when I step into a place that I've been with my Ex, my current girlfriend just knows. Once she knows, she pounces! The questions come flying in and each question demands more and more granularity. One thing leads to another and you're telling her you guys had names for unborn children. Brain Ninjas!

I can't help but be honest. I could lie to her but we both know that she knows, that I know, that she knows, that I'm lying. And if you didn't know, I'm a lover, not a lair.

If she didn't want to know, she didn't have to ask. But she, like majority of other girls (I base this on no scientific facts whatsoever), want to know answers to such questions as, "Did you come here before with her?", and "Did you already see this movie with someone?". You're just asking me to see if I tell you the truth! But we all know that you know the answer before you ask it.

I know there are girls out there, like ItsJessicaRhoads, that are girlfriend outliers. They do the opposite of most girls, which make girls like her are anomalies. However most girls that I have run across like to have all the information they can get, and that will end up burning the relationship down the road. He's with you, not her. Let it go.

Just leave it be. If it were up to guys they would never tell you. You think guys want to have conversations of past girlfriends with current ones? Us guys just want to enjoy the moment with you and without all the questions of ghosts of girlfriends past.

Survival Guide To Parents

You've been dating for quite some time and things are getting serious. You already spend all your time with him and you only see your friends (not his friends) on special occasions like birthdays or another equally important dates. You've exchanged the "L" word and now you're ready for the next step.Meeting his parents. I know you think this is the next logical step in a serious relationship but you're wrong! You need to take baby steps.



1) You met his real friends I spoke to this in an earlier blog. Read it, love it, memorize it (there's a quiz at the end)



2) Met his siblingsThis is the next logical step. Why? Getting their approval first will help you if/when his parents don't like you. I understand. Everyone's parents love you! Everyone's mom wants you to marry their son. A) Stop being so cocky. Not everyone loves you. and B) Think of it as insurance if you say or do the wrong thing when meeting them.



Lets have an example. You meet the parents and you do something bad. It could be anything. You were nervous and had too much wine at dinner, and now you've made an ass of yourself.



When you leave, his mother will call his siblings and go on about how much of a lush you were and how she doesnt think you're right for her son. If you don't have the sibling's blessing, then they will agree and feed the fire. His sister/brother will say, "Mom, I know what you mean. When we met for drinks, it looked like she had been there for hours. I think she has a drinking problem." (Maybe not that extreme but you get my point).



If his siblings did like you, then they'll be there to give you a lending hand. His sister/brother would say something like, "Mom, you need to give her another chance. I'm sure she was nervous." This will lead to his mother replying, "You're right. Maybe I'm being too judgmental."



3) Once you've wooed his siblings (and you get their approval) then you can meet his parents. Be careful though. This is your one and only chance to make a lasting impression. Screw this up and they'll be bad mouthing you behind your back. Before you meet his parents, assess what kind of son he is. Is he:



A) The scape goat. If you're dating the scape goat of the family, you need not worry. This will be a breeze. Most likely his family hates him and blames all of the misfortunes on his very existence. If this is the case you should also be worried. He's probably dating you to piss his parents off. He's so mad at his parents that he found the anti-girlfriend, wooed you, and is now bringing you home in spite of his parents. I know it sucks but you'll live. I promise.



B) Only Child.In this case, there is no need to get acceptance from his siblings. He has none! However, these parents are dangerous. Their son was either pampered with gifts and love, or his parents (just like the scape goat child) had him and realized that they gave birth to the anti-christ. This one is a toss up that I can't even fathom. Good luck.



Lastly,



C) Momma's boy.THE ABSOLUTE WORST TYPE. His mom is so critical of who he brings home that she will rain down upon you her infinite questions of who you really are. Their eyes are like a truth serum that pierce your inner thoughts. You can't block her out, SHE'S COMMIN' IN!!! She will know everything before dinner is over.



Not only will she know everything thing about you and your past, but if she doesn't like what she tortures out of you then you can say "Bye-bye" to that perfect relationship you thought you had. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a momma and her son. To be fair, you never stood a chance. She probably didn't like you before she even met you.



So here is this Lending Hand offering an Olive Branch. Follow my 3 easy steps to meeting his parents and you'll be part of the family in no time!But in all seriousness. If you love him and he loves you (regardless of what kind of child is he) it won't matter in the end of what his parents think. You've already won him over and that's all that matters. You're not dating his parents or family, you're dating him. Always remember that.

Out With The Old, In With The New

What is it with you ladies and your man's Ex-girlfriend? You act as if we just broke up with them 2 days ago. My girlfriend and I can't do anything without passing the, "Did you go do that with (Fill in the blank)?"

It could be a Wednesday night and we're just sitting around watching TV. I turn to her and say, "You hungry? Want to get a quick bite at Olive Garden?" I know the Olive Garden isn't that great but its fast, semi good, and right down the street! Of course she responds, "Really?! You want me to go to her favorite place to eat?" (I must have told her sometime in prior to this conversation that my Ex liked The Olive Garden.)

You'd think that's where the conversation would end. But you're dealing with the girl who never forgives or forgets! She kept on by saying, "Why don't you just call her up and you two can go rekindle your love! Blah blah blah!" All I wanted to do was get some cheap Italian food!

It's not only food. It's everything and anything that was associated with my Ex. If I had made the mistake of telling her that my Ex "liked this" or my Ex "did that", I am pretty sure what ever my Ex liked or did with me, was out of the question with my current revengeful girlfriend.

There's a list of shit I can't eat or do now because I had an Ex-girlfriend sometime in the past:

1. The Olive Garden
2. Any movie I saw with my Ex
3. Any place I had gone on special dates on with my Ex
4. Vacation destinations I had gone on with my Ex
5. For use at my girlfriends discretion to say, "I'm sure you did it with your Ex!"
6. The state of which my Ex's parents live in
7. Wear clothes my Ex had given me
8. Use my sexual play list and/or song I used with my Ex
9. Play the movie or song that was called "our song/movie" by my Ex
10. Names my Ex and I had for our unborn children

It's not the fact that I can't do these things anymore. It's the fact that you not only ban them, like the internet to the Chinese, but you barrade me with the, "Why don't you just do it with her?". That type of immaturity gets to me.

If I wanted to be with her and eat at the Olive Garden I would. But I want to go with you, and its not because its nostalgic or that it makes me think of her.

You don't see us telling you to take off those earrings, thongs, and purses your Ex bought you. You don't see us bitch and complain about watching a movie you once saw with your douchebag Ex boyfriend. You will never hear us tell you to call your asshole Ex boyfriend to rekindle your love. Why? Because we keep shit like that to ourselves. I suggest you do the same.

So take it from a Lending Hands perspecitve, when I ask you to do something I had done prior in my life don't make it a battle of you vs. my Ex girlfriend. Just keep it to yourself and go have the never ending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden.

Can You Teach an Old Dog, New Tricks?

I've seen this way too many times. In fact, I have fallen victim to this diabolical plan before. The plan is simple. You find a guy and begin to date. He's not perfect but really who is? So as time goes on, you "tweak" a few things you don't especially care for.

For example, the clothes he wears. You take him out of his tee-shirt and worn jeans and dress him in a nice Banana Republic button up, nice pair of J Crew jeans, and black dress shoes. You even get him to wear black socks with black shoes! All just minor "tweaks", but soon those "tweaks" turn into major overhauls.

That's where it begins. You say to yourself, "I've just made him look 100 times better. Why should I stop there? I hate how he (Fill in the blank)". You've just successfully performed Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

What started with clothes has now progressed to every aspect of his life! The type of friends he has, the jokes he tells, and soon enough he's wrapped around your little demonic finger.

There's no turning back. Once you've had that kind of power, how could you give it up? But as a Lending Hand I'm telling you...Nay, I'm Demanding you to stop!

This can only turn out bad if you keep it up. I know, I know. The girlfriend givith, the girlfriend taketh away. Little do you know that sooner or later he will bite the hand that feeds. Guys, if they have any balls, will let some changes happen. Changes such as the clothes as long as they get something in return. But once you cross into the, "You can't be friends with him because I don't like him" line, then you will run into one of two people.

1) The weak one of the herd. This runt was weak to begin with and will ditch his friends because he doesn't have a pair and most likely won't grow any. Why would you want to be with such a weak individual? I know, your self esteem is so low that you need to control someone. You don't have to be Dr. Phil or Oprah to figure that out.

or

2) My kind of man. Once you tell him what he can and can't do, you'll see him put his foot down! You're either going to have to shut up or leave. My advice? Simple, it is to shut up. Who are you to tell him who he can be friends with? The thing about it is he has nothing to lose. You already put the time and effort into making him appealing and now he's going to be out there reaping the benefits while you look for your next project.

So I extend this Olive Branch to you and tell you that you can change his clothes and hair, but you will never be able to teach an old dog, new tricks.

What's the Difference Between Me and You?

My girlfriend always asks me, "Do you think she's hot?" Why do girls always ask their boyfriend that? I know it's a test and I should give you the answer, "She's pretty, but not as pretty as you are." But you know deep down inside he's really not thinking that.

The truth is that, for guys, there are levels of hotness. We can't just tell you if she's hot or not (see area code rating system in "Kudos" blog).

The way we say how "hot a girl is, is imperative in deciphering our code. Different words mean different things. The following levels of hotness are broken down accordingly:

1) "She's Skanky hot"
Confusing as this seems, it means that she is slutty good looking. She's no Audrey Hepburn but we would tap that in a heartbeat. We call them skanky hot because we would sleep with them but never bring them home to mom and dad....ever. Famous people in this category are; Megan Fox, Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan

2) "She's good looking"
This could mean 2 things:

A) We don't want to come out and say she's good looking because we've been taught not to say someone is good looking. By saying she is good looking we are inferring that she is hotter than you and we would much rather be with her. This isn't necessarily true. It's not that we don't think you're hot. We're dating you, aren't we? Cut us some slack. You're the one who asked us if she looks good. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to!
B) The less likely of the two is that the only reason why she is good looking is because she is famous. If she wasn't famous, she probably wouldn't be as good looking. Leading ladies in this category are; Natalie Portman, Hayden Panettiere, Hillary Swank, Racheal McAdams, and Rachel Bilson.

3) "She's Sporty Hot"

These athletes are fit, sweaty, and we eat it up! They could be kicking a guy’s ass on the big screen or doing things generally only reserved for guys. Ladies in this category are; Angelina Jolie, The chick from Lost (Kate), and Yvonne Strahovski (Chuck).

4) "She's Hot"
This means she is definitely hot. She's so good looking that we will say it to your face! We don't care about the repercussions, even if it means sleeping on the couch or going to bed unsatisfied. Ladies in this category are; Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale, and Jessica Biel.

You have to remember that we are dating you. We chose you! We'll to tell you the truth, if we had a choice we would choose them but then realize that it was a mistake and want you back.

Either way it's never going to happen. Take it from a Lending Hands perspective; don't get so hung up on whether we think this movie star is hot or if that singer is skanky hot. Because when it comes down to it, we don't have much of a chance with them. What do I have to offer to Kate Beckinsale? I'm just a 9 to 5er.

The Attack of the Dance Floor Rapist

You're out with your friends having a great time. You're starting to feel buzzed, hands up in the air, and singing at the top of your lungs. Why? Because its Friday night and the DJ is spinning your favorite song!

What could possibly ruin this moment? You don't have a care in the world!

You're moving to the music and listening to Britney as her song moves through your body. Her music touches every inch of your skin. Then there it is, the one thing that could possibly ruin the moment. The one THING that could take you out of your fantasy world of drinks, music, and dancing... That guy. It's the dreaded guy who lurks from behind you and begins to thrust your ass as if he's trying to hump through, not only his jeans, but yours too.

However you tell yourself that you could endure this pain if he was good looking, right? So you slowly turn your head to see what is behind you, and as you turn your head you see Mr. Jersey Trash. He's dancing behind you with his shirt half buttoned, hair spiked with 2lbs. of hair gel, and the stench of Hugo Boss Cologne/sweat dripping all over your new outfit, burning your skin as it makes contact.

On a side note, why do girls go buy new outfits for one night? In a darkly lit club guys really don't care what you have on but rather what you look with nothing on. I dunno, seems like a waste of 2 hours and 57 outfits at Forever 21 to me.

Dammit, I digressed again! Back to the subject.

What did you do to deserve this?! One minute you're in your fantasy island with Britney to your left and Lady Gaga to your right. Then, out of nowhere, you've been ripped off the island.

The tribe has spoken and now you're left literally fighting your way out of his grizzly bear grip and gasping for air! You reach out to your friends for help but as soon as they take one step forward your assailant's entourage comes out of the woodwork like a gang of 15 year old adolescent ninjas.

With no help, a bruised (possibly raw) ass, and the siege of 15 year old adolescent ninjas, you reach deep down inside with no help from anyone and a bruised ass and gather your last bit of strength to rid yourself of his grip.

As MLK Jr said, "Free at last, Free at last! Thank God Almighty, Free at last!" However I'm sure he was talking about slavery and racism, not dance floor rapists.

Either way, I digress (again!). So you think you're free. You've worked up quite a thirst and now you and your bitch ass friends head to the bar. They owe you a drink anyways for leaving you to the wolfs like Vince Vaughn was left by Owen Wilson in "Wedding Crashers".

You reach the bar and you get the bartenders attention.
You tell him, "1 red-headed slut"
"What's the tab under?" says the bartender.
But before you can say, an oddly familiar voice chimes in...
"Make that 2 red-headed sluts Jack (of course he knows his name). You know I like red-headed sluts".

Some how, in the club of 500 people, the dance floor rapist manages to track you like hunter to its wounded pray. What do you do?

So let the Lending Hand give you a Lending Hand of advice.

When you're at the bar and he offers to buy the shooter de jour, take it down like a champ, tell him "thank you", and tell him your name is James in the deepest voice possible. If he's drunk enough, he'll believe you. But in the off chance that this guy is one of the 3 people from Jersey with actual brains you might want to just take the shot and go to another club. (Beware, he might have perfected his tracking skillz (note the "z" in skillz) and track you down and say, "Hey, didn't I see you at the other club? Want a Jagar Bomb?"


However, if you don't want to go through the hassle of leaving the bar and saying you're a trans-sexual, stop him on the dance floor. Don't let the dance floor rapist take it to the next level later that night when you're getting drinks. Turn around and make an ass of yourself. Dance like you were just cured of polio and this is your first night out, or act like you're being exorcised by the Catholic Church on the middle of the dance floor.

Odds are he'll take a few steps back, turn, leave, and never bother you again, and best of all you don't have to find out that your friends would leave you high and dry when you needed them most!

Now, since he is Jersey trash, there is a small chance he might dig your dance moves and partake on the par-tay! In that case, you will both look like retards and your night will be ruined. But that's a very small chance and you have to take some risks in life. You're more likely to catch a raging case of "the clap" from the random hookup you had last weekend. You know what I'm talking about you red-headed slut, don't play the victim.

Remember, when in doubt act like your mentally and physically handicap and you'll end up saving not only one new outfit from Forever 21 but your friendship and your ass too (literally).

When is it Official?

This is an issue I have seen one too many times. You meet this great guy and you couldn't have asked for anyone better. He makes you laugh so hard that your abs hurt. His smile washes away all of your problems like waves crashing down on the beach and retreating back into the ocean.

You've been on multiple dates and all your girlfriends know all about him. He's the guy who has made your friends believe in love in first sight. Then comes the dreaded question..."So are you guys exclusive?"

That's when that awkward pause takes over that seems as if hours pass before you open your mouth and say, "Umm, I think so?" You think so? Probably not if you "think so".

So when does casual dating become the real thing? Is there a litmus test I can take on my "relationship" with the guy I'm seeing?

From a Lending Hand's perspective, it is difficult to tell. I myself have been in this position before and let me be the first to say, it isn't all black and white. It has many shades of gray.

However, I can tell you that when you have been introduced to his friends, chances are good that you are officially dating. But you have to meet his real friends, the guys he watches the game with, goes out drinking with, and goes on bromance trips with. This is where he makes the statement that even with all of your faults, that he chooses you!

On the other hand, if you have gone on at least 3 dates and haven't met his close pals (running into them when you're at dinner does not count) chances are slim he actually wants to continue the relationship.

The absence of his friends can mean;

A) He is casually dating around and keeping you on the back burner until all other options have been exhausted. In other words, hes playing you. Covering his bases so that his friends don't get confused with who he is dating and call you by the other girls name, or vise versa.

B) Hasn't made up his mind on you. This would have to do with your looks or personality. There is something that is not sitting well with him. Something bad enough not to introduce you to his pals.

C) He has no friends and if that's the case, RUN. He'll be the most clingy boyfriend you've ever had. He'll be over during "girls night" with you and your friends because he has nothing else to do. He'll paint your nails, eat the cake batter, and drink glass after glass of Merlot with you and your gals.

What happened? Where did it all go wrong? I thought I didn't have to look any further! All your girlfriends will tell you that you did nothing wrong. He's missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him. Blah blah blah.

If this happens on a rare occasions, your friends are probably right. He's too high maintenance or has emotional issues. However, if this happens on a regular basis then you should (from the wise words from 1991) "Check yourself before you wreck yourself". For you optimistic individuals, this could also be one of those "exceptions to the rule" but in reality "exceptions to the rule" are at least 1000 to 1.

Unfortunately I cannot help you in this department. This is another blog on another day. In fact, I don't think I'm certified to help you. You need professional help, this Lending Hand cannot help your dire situation. Sorry.

Either way, just remember, meeting his friends is a good sign while being the scooter he doesn't want to be seen riding is a bad sign.

From a Lending Hands perspective, its not always about how official it is when you are dating someone. Its about the time you spend together. If he's not ready to officially date then why push the envelope and risk everything? Do what women do best, manipulate him into being your slave for the next 60 years, and when that fails, go find your next victim and start from scratch.

Kudos!

Women in their early 20's to their late 40's (cougars) go out every weekend and look to let loose and forget their daily grind from the 9 to 5 work week. You go out with a group of your girls and drink away your ambitions and problems.

Of course you're not looking to buy your own drinks right? You casually "eye flirt" with the guy a few feet away and invite him to hit on you with the worst lines. Of course, thirsty as you are, you giggle and he asks you if he can buy you a drink.

You accept, take his drink, then just as fast and you said yes you walk/juke your way through the mess of people and away into the abyss of the bar, and as far away from him as possible.

If this is you I have only one thing to say, good for you. If a guy is dumb enough to fall for that fake laugh and fake conversation where you act interested in whatever he is saying, then he deserves to lose $11 dollars for your Kettle One and Cranberry.

I'm not going to say that I've never fallen victim to this trap. You ladies seem to have perfected it. I'm not sure how you do it, but truth be told I've fallen for this trick a couple times (but lets keep that to our self's).

The story goes a little something like this:

I was at the beach with the guys and at a local bar. We were doing what guys do best. Taking back shots, chasing them with our drinks, and rating the girls on the area code basis.

Area code basis? Whats that you ask. Simple. The 1-10 scale is obsolete. The area code is a 3 number system. the first number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the body, the second number 0 or 1 is if you wouldn't or would sleep with her, and the last number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the face. This way you get an overall analysis of each girl that passes by.

Back to my story. From across the bar I spotted a 819. Now I couldn't tell for sure, I've had a couple drinks at this point. If I were to be safe, I'd say a 718 at worst but a possibly a 919.

She was "eye flirting" with me from a table full of girls and I was just a young lad, just turned 21. My friends and I walk up to their table and introduce ourselves. Now I would like to say I didn't use an overly cheesy line but chances are it was something like, "Hey, looks like you need some company".

Don't judge me. Like I said, I was young and probably had 3 too many Captain and Cokes. In fact, I'm going to blame it all on the Captain. Him and his deliciously flavored spiced rum, and when mixed with coke and a splash of lime, I can't he held accountable for my actions.

Either way, she suckered me into buying her shots....her and her 3 friends. Then just like a ninja turtle she and her 3 friends vanished without a trace. Dammit!

Here's the thing that really chaps my ass. I'm not a bad looking guy. I have a great looking girlfriend and shes not one of the, "I need a guy that looks worse than me so I can feel like I have the power in the relationship" kind of a girl.

That same night, I got duped again! This time at another bar. Same situation however I had bought a shots for her and 6 of her friends. That's 7 people! (I was a math major) That's roughly $65 dollars of drinks. For what, a 30 second dance and then poof, like a David Blane trick she and her 6 friends, yet again, vanish without a trace. To make things worse, she was probably only a 616. But hey, you win some and loose some. I put the blame solely on the alcohol.

Now that I've aged, and grown older, I now know the way of the drink stealing samurai. No longer will your lustful eyes pierce my wallet for your insatiable thirst, or your heart stopping laugh with the hand ever so lightly on the chest have me at your every call.

So here is A Lending Hand extending the Olive Branch to those ninjas and magicians. Next time you're out and you need another drink, just buy it yourself and save him the heart ache of being duped. Its a win-win situation. You don't have to dodge him all night after you make your escape and you feel more independent for buying your own drink.

So the guy you're dating is actually taken (before you even met him)

I've must have heard this story thousands of times over. Stop me if you've heard this (don't stop me, please continue reading). Girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, girl finds out guy has been seriously dating another girl before her.

If you are one of these unfortunate souls I feel for you. I really do! Thus the creation of this blog site.

The truth is, the only one to blame is yourself for not seeing the signs. The call that goes straight to voice mail (for hours at a time) or the text messages that say, "Hey, busy tonight, call you tomorrow". (You can substitute the "tomorrow" with "when I can")

Yes, the guy is a jerk off for doing what he did. Which leads you to think to yourself, what kind of person would do that to another person?! Men. After centuries and centuries of the co-existence of men and women, there is still so little understanding of the other species.

Our existence is to spread our seed. To divide and conquer. It's our manifest dynasty. we can't help that its written into our genetic code. Its even written in the Declaration of Independence, "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

The Pursuit of Happiness. I rest my case for all of Men. Who is to question the Declaration of Independence?! Certainly not you, you female!

I digress. So girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, girl finds out guy has had another girl before ever meeting you. What's a girl to do? Here are your following options:

A) Try to win him over and take what is rightfully yours. I mean, if he did love her, he wouldn't be cheating on her. He's happiest with me! Right? WRONG! Men are men. Understand, memorize, and never forget.

If he was happiest with you, he would have left her and ran away with you to some island and you two would be eating exotic foods and enjoying sunsets over the crystal clear waters. The reason he's cheating is that he's either bored, tired of the same girl every night, and/or testing the waters.

B) Bust him with his current (the one he really wants) girlfriend.

Take him down! Hell hath no furry relative to a girl who has been double crossed! You'll do whatever you can to humiliate, breakdown, destroy him, and teach him a lesson in cheating. Cost and time are not issues, even in economic times like these.

However, women think with their heart and men think with well....the brain of the south. This is no new ground breaking discovery, its common knowledge. What women don't know is that no matter how many times men burn their finger on the hot stove, they'll do it again, and again, and again.

Sure you feel better now that hes single, desperate, crying naked in cold shower wishing for better days, but you didn't teach him a lesson, because us Men don't learn. We move and react. And because lets face it, in the end you'll look crazy and he'll still have the upper hand.

Finally,

C) Take the high road.

Some might say that this is showing defeat and weakness. I beg the differ. This shows to him that he wasn't that important anyways. Now I'm not saying let him off the hook completely. Make him sweat it out a bit. Tell him you sent his girlfriend a letter about your tryst. He'll be frantically sifting through her mail for the next few weeks trying to intercept it. Meanwhile, his girlfriend will question why he sits and waits for the mail to come through the opening of the door like a dog waiting for the mail for its master.

Whichever destiny you choose understand this, men do things for reasons that even men don't know. Sometimes its down right mean and at the cost of other peoples' (girls in this case, as is in most cases) emotions. The question isn't how to win him back or how you can wish he never met you. It's to move on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.

Men come and go as do the seasons in a year. Lets just hope the next season treats you more like spring rather than the dead of winter.