Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus...
The age old saying that basically states that we are both different. Men like one thing and Women like something else. There is an invisible line that cannot, and will not, be crossed. However, do you know how deep that line runs?
Guys need to put up the persona that we are real men. Men who don't like movies about romance, we can't dress ourselves properly, we don't listen to Justin Timberlake or Britney Spears, and we absolutely don't cry when watching movies!
Well guess what.....
The line I spoke of earlier is more of a guideline than a line written in stone. Each and every guy has a secret love for something that is thoroughly enjoyed by the opposite sex. For example, I love Britney Spears new song "If You Seek Amy", I liked the Notebook, I cried at the end of sappy sad movies like "Nights in Roadanthe", and most importantly I love shopping for new clothes.
Does that make me less of a man?! Does this mean I'm in touch with my feminine side? Does this make me a metro sexual?!
No. I'm a real man, albeit a man who just confessed to my readers a secret that every man has. We like chick stuff (from time to time).
I'm not ashamed to tell you that. Your man might be afraid to admit it he does though. So here's my Olive Branch. To break this mold, on your next "date night" get a sappy chick flick, a nice glass of Merlot, light a candle, and cuddle with him in bed.
While you're watching the movie, look for the signs of his sweating eyes. When the movie gets to the moment of sheer sadness, see if he looks up at the ceiling or makes a joke about the movie and how corny it is. He's doing this to keep his eyes from letting loose.
Give him a hug ans say, "It's okay to cry. It's not your fault" Repeat this unitl he breaks down. (A concept stolen from Robin Williams in "Good Will Hunting".)
Every man has a soft side, and when he shows you that soft side, understand that he's completely and utterly yours. Embrace it and thank your lucky stars you have a guy who isn't afraid to show it.
Just a side note. If you want to keep that soft side around, don't let his buddies know about it. Bad, bad, bad idea.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
What We Say and What We Really Mean
Girls aren't the only gender that will say one thing and mean another. For example, "Go ahead and hang out with the guys. No really, its fine!" What you really mean is, "Go ahead and go. But know that if you do go, I'm going to rip off your balls and make you sleep on the couch."
Sadly, not all men understand this concept. We will go out with the guys and be perplexed upon our return. Why is she mad? What did I do? She said it was cool?! However, this blog isn't about how I have decoded your secret messages. This blog is intended for you to understand our own code.
When ladies ask us the question, "How do I look?" We reply in many different ways. On a side note, this question is deemed "entrapment". It's a catch-22! No matter how we respond, we get burned by answering it. We're either saying you're fat or don't look as fat as you do in the other outfit.
I digress. When you ask the question, "How do I look?" We reply:
1. "You look good"
Either you actually look good or he just doesn't care. He's an expert at understanding the question being asked. You don't really want to know if you look good, you know you look good. You just want him to acknowledge that you look good.
However, you know how he thinks and hit him back with the, "You're just saying that so I'll leave you alone." Guess what.... You're right! He doesn't care if you look good or not. He just wants to get out of the house and get to dinner on time for once!
2. "You look good?"
This is the, "Is that the answer you were looking for?" response. This means you have successfully beaten down him like a red headed step child. He doesn't know what to say. He's confused by the question and digs deep down inside to give you the answer he thinks you are looking for.
However, we all know how this ends. You accuse him of lying (which he is) and you delay the departure for dinner another 20 min while you find another outfit for you to test his obedience on.
3. "You look good in everything!"
Wow. He really wants to make that dinner reservation. At this point he'll say anything and everything to get your ass in the car and into the restaurant. This is also probably the point where you've asked us how you look after you have tried on 6 different outfits, 3 pairs of shoes, and had your hair 4 different ways.
Time is money, or in this case time is means missing the dinner reservation. But lets face it. You don't care about the dinner (even though you've been begging us for a "date night"). All you care about is whether or not your guy thinks you look good. You're looking for that perfect response but you rarely receive it.
So here's the Olive Branch from a Lending Hand. Read carefully, this is the most crucial part to the blog...HE LOVES WHATEVER YOU WEAR! YOU REALLY DO LOOK GREAT IN EVERYTHING!
If he thought you didn't look good in anything he'd probably leave you for a younger, better you. (Unless he's overweight from years of being with you and "letting it go"). Even when you're having a "I don't feel pretty" day, he thinks you are the most radiant person in the universe. There is nothing you could wear that would repel him or make him think twice about dating you (caveat: unless you are wearing Uggs ,with your jeans tucked into them, oversized tee-shirt, and giant gold hoop earrings).
If your guy answers with any of the three prior responses, understand that he loves you and does love what you're wearing. Now can we finally get to dinner on time!?
Sadly, not all men understand this concept. We will go out with the guys and be perplexed upon our return. Why is she mad? What did I do? She said it was cool?! However, this blog isn't about how I have decoded your secret messages. This blog is intended for you to understand our own code.
When ladies ask us the question, "How do I look?" We reply in many different ways. On a side note, this question is deemed "entrapment". It's a catch-22! No matter how we respond, we get burned by answering it. We're either saying you're fat or don't look as fat as you do in the other outfit.
I digress. When you ask the question, "How do I look?" We reply:
1. "You look good"
Either you actually look good or he just doesn't care. He's an expert at understanding the question being asked. You don't really want to know if you look good, you know you look good. You just want him to acknowledge that you look good.
However, you know how he thinks and hit him back with the, "You're just saying that so I'll leave you alone." Guess what.... You're right! He doesn't care if you look good or not. He just wants to get out of the house and get to dinner on time for once!
2. "You look good?"
This is the, "Is that the answer you were looking for?" response. This means you have successfully beaten down him like a red headed step child. He doesn't know what to say. He's confused by the question and digs deep down inside to give you the answer he thinks you are looking for.
However, we all know how this ends. You accuse him of lying (which he is) and you delay the departure for dinner another 20 min while you find another outfit for you to test his obedience on.
3. "You look good in everything!"
Wow. He really wants to make that dinner reservation. At this point he'll say anything and everything to get your ass in the car and into the restaurant. This is also probably the point where you've asked us how you look after you have tried on 6 different outfits, 3 pairs of shoes, and had your hair 4 different ways.
Time is money, or in this case time is means missing the dinner reservation. But lets face it. You don't care about the dinner (even though you've been begging us for a "date night"). All you care about is whether or not your guy thinks you look good. You're looking for that perfect response but you rarely receive it.
So here's the Olive Branch from a Lending Hand. Read carefully, this is the most crucial part to the blog...HE LOVES WHATEVER YOU WEAR! YOU REALLY DO LOOK GREAT IN EVERYTHING!
If he thought you didn't look good in anything he'd probably leave you for a younger, better you. (Unless he's overweight from years of being with you and "letting it go"). Even when you're having a "I don't feel pretty" day, he thinks you are the most radiant person in the universe. There is nothing you could wear that would repel him or make him think twice about dating you (caveat: unless you are wearing Uggs ,with your jeans tucked into them, oversized tee-shirt, and giant gold hoop earrings).
If your guy answers with any of the three prior responses, understand that he loves you and does love what you're wearing. Now can we finally get to dinner on time!?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Lending Hand Answers
A reader of mine commented on my "Out With The Old, In With The New" blog, so I decided I would answer her comment.
ItsJessicaRhoads said,
"A very simple way to avoid this entire scenario from recurring is to stop talking about your ex.
There's no reason your girlfriend should know that much information about your ex in the first place. What is the point of talking about your ex's favorite restaurant, movies you saw together, special dates... and worst of all, sexual playlists & baby names? Are you serious? Regardless of whether or not they nag or complain to you about it, nobody wants to hear that kind of unnecessary information. After offering up all those irrelevant and intimate details, you're lucky that your girlfriend has stuck around long enough to give you a hard time about it."
You have to remember, it's not like guys are willing to tell their girlfriends these things. Girls need to have full disclosure on prior girlfriends. Why? I don't know. Please fill me in on that one. They have a sixth sense for being able to identify if a guy been somewhere or seen something before with a love of the past.
I don't know if it's a feeling you have, a hair standing on the back of your neck, or just psychic powers, but when I step into a place that I've been with my Ex, my current girlfriend just knows. Once she knows, she pounces! The questions come flying in and each question demands more and more granularity. One thing leads to another and you're telling her you guys had names for unborn children. Brain Ninjas!
I can't help but be honest. I could lie to her but we both know that she knows, that I know, that she knows, that I'm lying. And if you didn't know, I'm a lover, not a lair.
If she didn't want to know, she didn't have to ask. But she, like majority of other girls (I base this on no scientific facts whatsoever), want to know answers to such questions as, "Did you come here before with her?", and "Did you already see this movie with someone?". You're just asking me to see if I tell you the truth! But we all know that you know the answer before you ask it.
I know there are girls out there, like ItsJessicaRhoads, that are girlfriend outliers. They do the opposite of most girls, which make girls like her are anomalies. However most girls that I have run across like to have all the information they can get, and that will end up burning the relationship down the road. He's with you, not her. Let it go.
Just leave it be. If it were up to guys they would never tell you. You think guys want to have conversations of past girlfriends with current ones? Us guys just want to enjoy the moment with you and without all the questions of ghosts of girlfriends past.
ItsJessicaRhoads said,
"A very simple way to avoid this entire scenario from recurring is to stop talking about your ex.
There's no reason your girlfriend should know that much information about your ex in the first place. What is the point of talking about your ex's favorite restaurant, movies you saw together, special dates... and worst of all, sexual playlists & baby names? Are you serious? Regardless of whether or not they nag or complain to you about it, nobody wants to hear that kind of unnecessary information. After offering up all those irrelevant and intimate details, you're lucky that your girlfriend has stuck around long enough to give you a hard time about it."
You have to remember, it's not like guys are willing to tell their girlfriends these things. Girls need to have full disclosure on prior girlfriends. Why? I don't know. Please fill me in on that one. They have a sixth sense for being able to identify if a guy been somewhere or seen something before with a love of the past.
I don't know if it's a feeling you have, a hair standing on the back of your neck, or just psychic powers, but when I step into a place that I've been with my Ex, my current girlfriend just knows. Once she knows, she pounces! The questions come flying in and each question demands more and more granularity. One thing leads to another and you're telling her you guys had names for unborn children. Brain Ninjas!
I can't help but be honest. I could lie to her but we both know that she knows, that I know, that she knows, that I'm lying. And if you didn't know, I'm a lover, not a lair.
If she didn't want to know, she didn't have to ask. But she, like majority of other girls (I base this on no scientific facts whatsoever), want to know answers to such questions as, "Did you come here before with her?", and "Did you already see this movie with someone?". You're just asking me to see if I tell you the truth! But we all know that you know the answer before you ask it.
I know there are girls out there, like ItsJessicaRhoads, that are girlfriend outliers. They do the opposite of most girls, which make girls like her are anomalies. However most girls that I have run across like to have all the information they can get, and that will end up burning the relationship down the road. He's with you, not her. Let it go.
Just leave it be. If it were up to guys they would never tell you. You think guys want to have conversations of past girlfriends with current ones? Us guys just want to enjoy the moment with you and without all the questions of ghosts of girlfriends past.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Survival Guide To Parents
You've been dating for quite some time and things are getting serious. You already spend all your time with him and you only see your friends (not his friends) on special occasions like birthdays or another equally important dates. You've exchanged the "L" word and now you're ready for the next step.Meeting his parents. I know you think this is the next logical step in a serious relationship but you're wrong! You need to take baby steps.
1) You met his real friends I spoke to this in an earlier blog. Read it, love it, memorize it (there's a quiz at the end)
2) Met his siblingsThis is the next logical step. Why? Getting their approval first will help you if/when his parents don't like you. I understand. Everyone's parents love you! Everyone's mom wants you to marry their son. A) Stop being so cocky. Not everyone loves you. and B) Think of it as insurance if you say or do the wrong thing when meeting them.
Lets have an example. You meet the parents and you do something bad. It could be anything. You were nervous and had too much wine at dinner, and now you've made an ass of yourself.
When you leave, his mother will call his siblings and go on about how much of a lush you were and how she doesnt think you're right for her son. If you don't have the sibling's blessing, then they will agree and feed the fire. His sister/brother will say, "Mom, I know what you mean. When we met for drinks, it looked like she had been there for hours. I think she has a drinking problem." (Maybe not that extreme but you get my point).
If his siblings did like you, then they'll be there to give you a lending hand. His sister/brother would say something like, "Mom, you need to give her another chance. I'm sure she was nervous." This will lead to his mother replying, "You're right. Maybe I'm being too judgmental."
3) Once you've wooed his siblings (and you get their approval) then you can meet his parents. Be careful though. This is your one and only chance to make a lasting impression. Screw this up and they'll be bad mouthing you behind your back. Before you meet his parents, assess what kind of son he is. Is he:
A) The scape goat. If you're dating the scape goat of the family, you need not worry. This will be a breeze. Most likely his family hates him and blames all of the misfortunes on his very existence. If this is the case you should also be worried. He's probably dating you to piss his parents off. He's so mad at his parents that he found the anti-girlfriend, wooed you, and is now bringing you home in spite of his parents. I know it sucks but you'll live. I promise.
B) Only Child.In this case, there is no need to get acceptance from his siblings. He has none! However, these parents are dangerous. Their son was either pampered with gifts and love, or his parents (just like the scape goat child) had him and realized that they gave birth to the anti-christ. This one is a toss up that I can't even fathom. Good luck.
Lastly,
C) Momma's boy.THE ABSOLUTE WORST TYPE. His mom is so critical of who he brings home that she will rain down upon you her infinite questions of who you really are. Their eyes are like a truth serum that pierce your inner thoughts. You can't block her out, SHE'S COMMIN' IN!!! She will know everything before dinner is over.
Not only will she know everything thing about you and your past, but if she doesn't like what she tortures out of you then you can say "Bye-bye" to that perfect relationship you thought you had. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a momma and her son. To be fair, you never stood a chance. She probably didn't like you before she even met you.
So here is this Lending Hand offering an Olive Branch. Follow my 3 easy steps to meeting his parents and you'll be part of the family in no time!But in all seriousness. If you love him and he loves you (regardless of what kind of child is he) it won't matter in the end of what his parents think. You've already won him over and that's all that matters. You're not dating his parents or family, you're dating him. Always remember that.
1) You met his real friends I spoke to this in an earlier blog. Read it, love it, memorize it (there's a quiz at the end)
2) Met his siblingsThis is the next logical step. Why? Getting their approval first will help you if/when his parents don't like you. I understand. Everyone's parents love you! Everyone's mom wants you to marry their son. A) Stop being so cocky. Not everyone loves you. and B) Think of it as insurance if you say or do the wrong thing when meeting them.
Lets have an example. You meet the parents and you do something bad. It could be anything. You were nervous and had too much wine at dinner, and now you've made an ass of yourself.
When you leave, his mother will call his siblings and go on about how much of a lush you were and how she doesnt think you're right for her son. If you don't have the sibling's blessing, then they will agree and feed the fire. His sister/brother will say, "Mom, I know what you mean. When we met for drinks, it looked like she had been there for hours. I think she has a drinking problem." (Maybe not that extreme but you get my point).
If his siblings did like you, then they'll be there to give you a lending hand. His sister/brother would say something like, "Mom, you need to give her another chance. I'm sure she was nervous." This will lead to his mother replying, "You're right. Maybe I'm being too judgmental."
3) Once you've wooed his siblings (and you get their approval) then you can meet his parents. Be careful though. This is your one and only chance to make a lasting impression. Screw this up and they'll be bad mouthing you behind your back. Before you meet his parents, assess what kind of son he is. Is he:
A) The scape goat. If you're dating the scape goat of the family, you need not worry. This will be a breeze. Most likely his family hates him and blames all of the misfortunes on his very existence. If this is the case you should also be worried. He's probably dating you to piss his parents off. He's so mad at his parents that he found the anti-girlfriend, wooed you, and is now bringing you home in spite of his parents. I know it sucks but you'll live. I promise.
B) Only Child.In this case, there is no need to get acceptance from his siblings. He has none! However, these parents are dangerous. Their son was either pampered with gifts and love, or his parents (just like the scape goat child) had him and realized that they gave birth to the anti-christ. This one is a toss up that I can't even fathom. Good luck.
Lastly,
C) Momma's boy.THE ABSOLUTE WORST TYPE. His mom is so critical of who he brings home that she will rain down upon you her infinite questions of who you really are. Their eyes are like a truth serum that pierce your inner thoughts. You can't block her out, SHE'S COMMIN' IN!!! She will know everything before dinner is over.
Not only will she know everything thing about you and your past, but if she doesn't like what she tortures out of you then you can say "Bye-bye" to that perfect relationship you thought you had. Nothing, and I mean nothing, will stand in the way of a momma and her son. To be fair, you never stood a chance. She probably didn't like you before she even met you.
So here is this Lending Hand offering an Olive Branch. Follow my 3 easy steps to meeting his parents and you'll be part of the family in no time!But in all seriousness. If you love him and he loves you (regardless of what kind of child is he) it won't matter in the end of what his parents think. You've already won him over and that's all that matters. You're not dating his parents or family, you're dating him. Always remember that.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Out With The Old, In With The New
What is it with you ladies and your man's Ex-girlfriend? You act as if we just broke up with them 2 days ago. My girlfriend and I can't do anything without passing the, "Did you go do that with (Fill in the blank)?"
It could be a Wednesday night and we're just sitting around watching TV. I turn to her and say, "You hungry? Want to get a quick bite at Olive Garden?" I know the Olive Garden isn't that great but its fast, semi good, and right down the street! Of course she responds, "Really?! You want me to go to her favorite place to eat?" (I must have told her sometime in prior to this conversation that my Ex liked The Olive Garden.)
You'd think that's where the conversation would end. But you're dealing with the girl who never forgives or forgets! She kept on by saying, "Why don't you just call her up and you two can go rekindle your love! Blah blah blah!" All I wanted to do was get some cheap Italian food!
It's not only food. It's everything and anything that was associated with my Ex. If I had made the mistake of telling her that my Ex "liked this" or my Ex "did that", I am pretty sure what ever my Ex liked or did with me, was out of the question with my current revengeful girlfriend.
There's a list of shit I can't eat or do now because I had an Ex-girlfriend sometime in the past:
It could be a Wednesday night and we're just sitting around watching TV. I turn to her and say, "You hungry? Want to get a quick bite at Olive Garden?" I know the Olive Garden isn't that great but its fast, semi good, and right down the street! Of course she responds, "Really?! You want me to go to her favorite place to eat?" (I must have told her sometime in prior to this conversation that my Ex liked The Olive Garden.)
You'd think that's where the conversation would end. But you're dealing with the girl who never forgives or forgets! She kept on by saying, "Why don't you just call her up and you two can go rekindle your love! Blah blah blah!" All I wanted to do was get some cheap Italian food!
It's not only food. It's everything and anything that was associated with my Ex. If I had made the mistake of telling her that my Ex "liked this" or my Ex "did that", I am pretty sure what ever my Ex liked or did with me, was out of the question with my current revengeful girlfriend.
There's a list of shit I can't eat or do now because I had an Ex-girlfriend sometime in the past:
- The Olive Garden
- Any movie I saw with my Ex
- Any place I had gone on special dates on with my Ex
- Vacation destinations I had gone on with my Ex
- For use at my girlfriends discretion to say, "I'm sure you did it with your Ex!"
- The state of which my Ex's parents live in
- Wear clothes my Ex had given me
- Use my sexual play list and/or song I used with my Ex
- Play the movie or song that was called "our song/movie" by my Ex
- Names my Ex and I had for our unborn children
It's not the fact that I can't do these things anymore. It's the fact that you not only ban them, like the internet to the Chinese, but you barrade me with the, "Why don't you just do it with her?". That type of immaturity gets to me.
If I wanted to be with her and eat at the Olive Garden I would. But I want to go with you, and its not because its nostalgic or that it makes me think of her.
You don't see us telling you to take off those earrings, thongs, and purses your Ex bought you. You don't see us bitch and complain about watching a movie you once saw with your douchebag Ex boyfriend. You will never hear us tell you to call your asshole Ex boyfriend to rekindle your love. Why? Because we keep shit like that to ourselves. I suggest you do the same.
So take it from a Lending Hands perspecitve, when I ask you to do something I had done prior in my life don't make it a battle of you vs. my Ex girlfriend. Just keep it to yourself and go have the never ending pasta bowl at the Olive Garden.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Can You Teach an Old Dog, New Tricks?
I've seen this way too many times. In fact, I have fallen victim to this diabolical plan before. The plan is simple. You find a guy and begin to date. He's not perfect but really who is? So as time goes on, you "tweak" a few things you don't especially care for.
For example, the clothes he wears. You take him out of his tee-shirt and worn jeans and dress him in a nice Banana Republic button up, nice pair of J Crew jeans, and black dress shoes. You even get him to wear black socks with black shoes! All just minor "tweaks", but soon those "tweaks" turn into major overhauls.
That's where it begins. You say to yourself, "I've just made him look 100 times better. Why should I stop there? I hate how he (Fill in the blank)". You've just successfully performed Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
What started with clothes has now progressed to every aspect of his life! The type of friends he has, the jokes he tells, and soon enough he's wrapped around your little demonic finger.
There's no turning back. Once you've had that kind of power, how could you give it up? But as a Lending Hand I'm telling you...Nay, I'm Demanding you to stop!
This can only turn out bad if you keep it up. I know, I know. The girlfriend givith, the girlfriend taketh away. Little do you know that sooner or later he will bite the hand that feeds. Guys, if they have any balls, will let some changes happen. Changes such as the clothes as long as they get something in return. But once you cross into the, "You can't be friends with him because I don't like him" line, then you will run into one of two people.
1) The weak one of the herd. This runt was weak to begin with and will ditch his friends because he doesn't have a pair and most likely won't grow any. Why would you want to be with such a weak individual? I know, your self esteem is so low that you need to control someone. You don't have to be Dr. Phil or Oprah to figure that out.
or
2) My kind of man. Once you tell him what he can and can't do, you'll see him put his foot down! You're either going to have to shut up or leave. My advice? Simple, it is to shut up. Who are you to tell him who he can be friends with? The thing about it is he has nothing to lose. You already put the time and effort into making him appealing and now he's going to be out there reaping the benefits while you look for your next project.
So I extend this Olive Branch to you and tell you that you can change his clothes and hair, but you will never be able to teach an old dog, new tricks.
For example, the clothes he wears. You take him out of his tee-shirt and worn jeans and dress him in a nice Banana Republic button up, nice pair of J Crew jeans, and black dress shoes. You even get him to wear black socks with black shoes! All just minor "tweaks", but soon those "tweaks" turn into major overhauls.
That's where it begins. You say to yourself, "I've just made him look 100 times better. Why should I stop there? I hate how he (Fill in the blank)". You've just successfully performed Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
What started with clothes has now progressed to every aspect of his life! The type of friends he has, the jokes he tells, and soon enough he's wrapped around your little demonic finger.
There's no turning back. Once you've had that kind of power, how could you give it up? But as a Lending Hand I'm telling you...Nay, I'm Demanding you to stop!
1) The weak one of the herd. This runt was weak to begin with and will ditch his friends because he doesn't have a pair and most likely won't grow any. Why would you want to be with such a weak individual? I know, your self esteem is so low that you need to control someone. You don't have to be Dr. Phil or Oprah to figure that out.
or
2) My kind of man. Once you tell him what he can and can't do, you'll see him put his foot down! You're either going to have to shut up or leave. My advice? Simple, it is to shut up. Who are you to tell him who he can be friends with? The thing about it is he has nothing to lose. You already put the time and effort into making him appealing and now he's going to be out there reaping the benefits while you look for your next project.
So I extend this Olive Branch to you and tell you that you can change his clothes and hair, but you will never be able to teach an old dog, new tricks.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What's the Difference Between Me and You?
My girlfriend always asks me, "Do you think she's hot?" Why do girls always ask their boyfriend that? I know it's a test and I should give you the answer, "She's pretty, but not as pretty as you are." But you know deep down inside he's really not thinking that.
The truth is that, for guys, there are levels of hotness. We can't just tell you if she's hot or not (see area code rating system in "Kudos" blog).
The way we say how "hot a girl is, is imperative in deciphering our code. Different words mean different things. The following levels of hotness are broken down accordingly:
1) "She's Skanky hot"
Confusing as this seems, it means that she is slutty good looking. She's no Audrey Hepburn but we would tap that in a heartbeat. We call them skanky hot because we would sleep with them but never bring them home to mom and dad....ever. Famous people in this category are; Megan Fox, Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan
2) "She's good looking"
This could mean 2 things:
A) We don't want to come out and say she's good looking because we've been taught not to say someone is good looking. By saying she is good looking we are inferring that she is hotter than you and we would much rather be with her. This isn't necessarily true. It's not that we don't think you're hot. We're dating you, aren't we? Cut us some slack. You're the one who asked us if she looks good. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to!The truth is that, for guys, there are levels of hotness. We can't just tell you if she's hot or not (see area code rating system in "Kudos" blog).
The way we say how "hot a girl is, is imperative in deciphering our code. Different words mean different things. The following levels of hotness are broken down accordingly:
1) "She's Skanky hot"
Confusing as this seems, it means that she is slutty good looking. She's no Audrey Hepburn but we would tap that in a heartbeat. We call them skanky hot because we would sleep with them but never bring them home to mom and dad....ever. Famous people in this category are; Megan Fox, Victoria Beckham, Paris Hilton, and Lindsay Lohan
2) "She's good looking"
This could mean 2 things:
B) The less likely of the two is that the only reason why she is good looking is because she is famous. If she wasn't famous, she probably wouldn't be as good looking. Leading ladies in this category are; Natalie Portman, Hayden Panettiere, Hillary Swank, Racheal McAdams, and Rachel Bilson.
3) "She's Sporty Hot"
4) "She's Hot"
This means she is definitely hot. She's so good looking that we will say it to your face! We don't care about the repercussions, even if it means sleeping on the couch or going to bed unsatisfied. Ladies in this category are; Eva Longoria, Jessica Alba, Kate Beckinsale, and Jessica Biel.
You have to remember that we are dating you. We chose you! We'll to tell you the truth, if we had a choice we would choose them but then realize that it was a mistake and want you back.
The Attack of the Dance Floor Rapist
You're out with your friends having a great time. You're starting to feel buzzed, hands up in the air, and singing at the top of your lungs. Why? Because its Friday night and the DJ is spinning your favorite song!
However, if you don't want to go through the hassle of leaving the bar and saying you're a trans-sexual, stop him on the dance floor. Don't let the dance floor rapist take it to the next level later that night when you're getting drinks. Turn around and make an ass of yourself. Dance like you were just cured of polio and this is your first night out, or act like you're being exorcised by the Catholic Church on the middle of the dance floor.
What could possibly ruin this moment? You don't have a care in the world!
You're moving to the music and listening to Britney as her song moves through your body. Her music touches every inch of your skin. Then there it is, the one thing that could possibly ruin the moment. The one THING that could take you out of your fantasy world of drinks, music, and dancing... That guy. It's the dreaded guy who lurks from behind you and begins to thrust your ass as if he's trying to hump through, not only his jeans, but yours too.
However you tell yourself that you could endure this pain if he was good looking, right? So you slowly turn your head to see what is behind you, and as you turn your head you see Mr. Jersey Trash. He's dancing behind you with his shirt half buttoned, hair spiked with 2lbs. of hair gel, and the stench of Hugo Boss Cologne/sweat dripping all over your new outfit, burning your skin as it makes contact.
On a side note, why do girls go buy new outfits for one night? In a darkly lit club guys really don't care what you have on but rather what you look with nothing on. I dunno, seems like a waste of 2 hours and 57 outfits at Forever 21 to me.
Dammit, I digressed again! Back to the subject.
What did you do to deserve this?! One minute you're in your fantasy island with Britney to your left and Lady Gaga to your right. Then, out of nowhere, you've been ripped off the island.
The tribe has spoken and now you're left literally fighting your way out of his grizzly bear grip and gasping for air! You reach out to your friends for help but as soon as they take one step forward your assailant's entourage comes out of the woodwork like a gang of 15 year old adolescent ninjas.
With no help, a bruised (possibly raw) ass, and the siege of 15 year old adolescent ninjas, you reach deep down inside with no help from anyone and a bruised ass and gather your last bit of strength to rid yourself of his grip.
As MLK Jr said, "Free at last, Free at last! Thank God Almighty, Free at last!" However I'm sure he was talking about slavery and racism, not dance floor rapists.
Either way, I digress (again!). So you think you're free. You've worked up quite a thirst and now you and your bitch ass friends head to the bar. They owe you a drink anyways for leaving you to the wolfs like Vince Vaughn was left by Owen Wilson in "Wedding Crashers".
You reach the bar and you get the bartenders attention.
You tell him, "1 red-headed slut"
"What's the tab under?" says the bartender.
But before you can say, an oddly familiar voice chimes in...
"Make that 2 red-headed sluts Jack (of course he knows his name). You know I like red-headed sluts".
You tell him, "1 red-headed slut"
"What's the tab under?" says the bartender.
But before you can say, an oddly familiar voice chimes in...
"Make that 2 red-headed sluts Jack (of course he knows his name). You know I like red-headed sluts".
Some how, in the club of 500 people, the dance floor rapist manages to track you like hunter to its wounded pray. What do you do?
So let the Lending Hand give you a Lending Hand of advice.
When you're at the bar and he offers to buy the shooter de jour, take it down like a champ, tell him "thank you", and tell him your name is James in the deepest voice possible. If he's drunk enough, he'll believe you. But in the off chance that this guy is one of the 3 people from Jersey with actual brains you might want to just take the shot and go to another club. (Beware, he might have perfected his tracking skillz (note the "z" in skillz) and track you down and say, "Hey, didn't I see you at the other club? Want a Jagar Bomb?"However, if you don't want to go through the hassle of leaving the bar and saying you're a trans-sexual, stop him on the dance floor. Don't let the dance floor rapist take it to the next level later that night when you're getting drinks. Turn around and make an ass of yourself. Dance like you were just cured of polio and this is your first night out, or act like you're being exorcised by the Catholic Church on the middle of the dance floor.
Odds are he'll take a few steps back, turn, leave, and never bother you again, and best of all you don't have to find out that your friends would leave you high and dry when you needed them most!
Now, since he is Jersey trash, there is a small chance he might dig your dance moves and partake on the par-tay! In that case, you will both look like retards and your night will be ruined. But that's a very small chance and you have to take some risks in life. You're more likely to catch a raging case of "the clap" from the random hookup you had last weekend. You know what I'm talking about you red-headed slut, don't play the victim.
Remember, when in doubt act like your mentally and physically handicap and you'll end up saving not only one new outfit from Forever 21 but your friendship and your ass too (literally).
Friday, March 6, 2009
When is it Official?
This is an issue I have seen one too many times. You meet this great guy and you couldn't have asked for anyone better. He makes you laugh so hard that your abs hurt. His smile washes away all of your problems like waves crashing down on the beach and retreating back into the ocean.
You've been on multiple dates and all your girlfriends know all about him. He's the guy who has made your friends believe in love in first sight. Then comes the dreaded question..."So are you guys exclusive?"
That's when that awkward pause takes over that seems as if hours pass before you open your mouth and say, "Umm, I think so?" You think so? Probably not if you "think so".
So when does casual dating become the real thing? Is there a litmus test I can take on my "relationship" with the guy I'm seeing?
From a Lending Hand's perspective, it is difficult to tell. I myself have been in this position before and let me be the first to say, it isn't all black and white. It has many shades of gray.
However, I can tell you that when you have been introduced to his friends, chances are good that you are officially dating. But you have to meet his real friends, the guys he watches the game with, goes out drinking with, and goes on bromance trips with. This is where he makes the statement that even with all of your faults, that he chooses you!
On the other hand, if you have gone on at least 3 dates and haven't met his close pals (running into them when you're at dinner does not count) chances are slim he actually wants to continue the relationship.
On the other hand, if you have gone on at least 3 dates and haven't met his close pals (running into them when you're at dinner does not count) chances are slim he actually wants to continue the relationship.
The absence of his friends can mean;
A) He is casually dating around and keeping you on the back burner until all other options have been exhausted. In other words, hes playing you. Covering his bases so that his friends don't get confused with who he is dating and call you by the other girls name, or vise versa.
B) Hasn't made up his mind on you. This would have to do with your looks or personality. There is something that is not sitting well with him. Something bad enough not to introduce you to his pals.
C) He has no friends and if that's the case, RUN. He'll be the most clingy boyfriend you've ever had. He'll be over during "girls night" with you and your friends because he has nothing else to do. He'll paint your nails, eat the cake batter, and drink glass after glass of Merlot with you and your gals.
What happened? Where did it all go wrong? I thought I didn't have to look any further! All your girlfriends will tell you that you did nothing wrong. He's missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him. Blah blah blah.
If this happens on a rare occasions, your friends are probably right. He's too high maintenance or has emotional issues. However, if this happens on a regular basis then you should (from the wise words from 1991) "Check yourself before you wreck yourself". For you optimistic individuals, this could also be one of those "exceptions to the rule" but in reality "exceptions to the rule" are at least 1000 to 1.
Unfortunately I cannot help you in this department. This is another blog on another day. In fact, I don't think I'm certified to help you. You need professional help, this Lending Hand cannot help your dire situation. Sorry.
Either way, just remember, meeting his friends is a good sign while being the scooter he doesn't want to be seen riding is a bad sign.
From a Lending Hands perspective, its not always about how official it is when you are dating someone. Its about the time you spend together. If he's not ready to officially date then why push the envelope and risk everything? Do what women do best, manipulate him into being your slave for the next 60 years, and when that fails, go find your next victim and start from scratch.
If this happens on a rare occasions, your friends are probably right. He's too high maintenance or has emotional issues. However, if this happens on a regular basis then you should (from the wise words from 1991) "Check yourself before you wreck yourself". For you optimistic individuals, this could also be one of those "exceptions to the rule" but in reality "exceptions to the rule" are at least 1000 to 1.
Unfortunately I cannot help you in this department. This is another blog on another day. In fact, I don't think I'm certified to help you. You need professional help, this Lending Hand cannot help your dire situation. Sorry.
Either way, just remember, meeting his friends is a good sign while being the scooter he doesn't want to be seen riding is a bad sign.
From a Lending Hands perspective, its not always about how official it is when you are dating someone. Its about the time you spend together. If he's not ready to officially date then why push the envelope and risk everything? Do what women do best, manipulate him into being your slave for the next 60 years, and when that fails, go find your next victim and start from scratch.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Kudos!
Women in their early 20's to their late 40's (cougars) go out every weekend and look to let loose and forget their daily grind from the 9 to 5 work week. You go out with a group of your girls and drink away your ambitions and problems.
Of course you're not looking to buy your own drinks right? You casually "eye flirt" with the guy a few feet away and invite him to hit on you with the worst lines. Of course, thirsty as you are, you giggle and he asks you if he can buy you a drink.
You accept, take his drink, then just as fast and you said yes you walk/juke your way through the mess of people and away into the abyss of the bar, and as far away from him as possible.
If this is you I have only one thing to say, good for you. If a guy is dumb enough to fall for that fake laugh and fake conversation where you act interested in whatever he is saying, then he deserves to lose $11 dollars for your Kettle One and Cranberry.
I'm not going to say that I've never fallen victim to this trap. You ladies seem to have perfected it. I'm not sure how you do it, but truth be told I've fallen for this trick a couple times (but lets keep that to our self's).
The story goes a little something like this:
I was at the beach with the guys and at a local bar. We were doing what guys do best. Taking back shots, chasing them with our drinks, and rating the girls on the area code basis.
Area code basis? Whats that you ask. Simple. The 1-10 scale is obsolete. The area code is a 3 number system. the first number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the body, the second number 0 or 1 is if you wouldn't or would sleep with her, and the last number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the face. This way you get an overall analysis of each girl that passes by.
Back to my story. From across the bar I spotted a 819. Now I couldn't tell for sure, I've had a couple drinks at this point. If I were to be safe, I'd say a 718 at worst but a possibly a 919.
She was "eye flirting" with me from a table full of girls and I was just a young lad, just turned 21. My friends and I walk up to their table and introduce ourselves. Now I would like to say I didn't use an overly cheesy line but chances are it was something like, "Hey, looks like you need some company".
Don't judge me. Like I said, I was young and probably had 3 too many Captain and Cokes. In fact, I'm going to blame it all on the Captain. Him and his deliciously flavored spiced rum, and when mixed with coke and a splash of lime, I can't he held accountable for my actions.
Either way, she suckered me into buying her shots....her and her 3 friends. Then just like a ninja turtle she and her 3 friends vanished without a trace. Dammit!
Here's the thing that really chaps my ass. I'm not a bad looking guy. I have a great looking girlfriend and shes not one of the, "I need a guy that looks worse than me so I can feel like I have the power in the relationship" kind of a girl.
That same night, I got duped again! This time at another bar. Same situation however I had bought a shots for her and 6 of her friends. That's 7 people! (I was a math major) That's roughly $65 dollars of drinks. For what, a 30 second dance and then poof, like a David Blane trick she and her 6 friends, yet again, vanish without a trace. To make things worse, she was probably only a 616. But hey, you win some and loose some. I put the blame solely on the alcohol.
Now that I've aged, and grown older, I now know the way of the drink stealing samurai. No longer will your lustful eyes pierce my wallet for your insatiable thirst, or your heart stopping laugh with the hand ever so lightly on the chest have me at your every call.
So here is A Lending Hand extending the Olive Branch to those ninjas and magicians. Next time you're out and you need another drink, just buy it yourself and save him the heart ache of being duped. Its a win-win situation. You don't have to dodge him all night after you make your escape and you feel more independent for buying your own drink.
Of course you're not looking to buy your own drinks right? You casually "eye flirt" with the guy a few feet away and invite him to hit on you with the worst lines. Of course, thirsty as you are, you giggle and he asks you if he can buy you a drink.
You accept, take his drink, then just as fast and you said yes you walk/juke your way through the mess of people and away into the abyss of the bar, and as far away from him as possible.
If this is you I have only one thing to say, good for you. If a guy is dumb enough to fall for that fake laugh and fake conversation where you act interested in whatever he is saying, then he deserves to lose $11 dollars for your Kettle One and Cranberry.
I'm not going to say that I've never fallen victim to this trap. You ladies seem to have perfected it. I'm not sure how you do it, but truth be told I've fallen for this trick a couple times (but lets keep that to our self's).
The story goes a little something like this:
I was at the beach with the guys and at a local bar. We were doing what guys do best. Taking back shots, chasing them with our drinks, and rating the girls on the area code basis.
Area code basis? Whats that you ask. Simple. The 1-10 scale is obsolete. The area code is a 3 number system. the first number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the body, the second number 0 or 1 is if you wouldn't or would sleep with her, and the last number 1-9 (9 being the greatest) is the face. This way you get an overall analysis of each girl that passes by.
Back to my story. From across the bar I spotted a 819. Now I couldn't tell for sure, I've had a couple drinks at this point. If I were to be safe, I'd say a 718 at worst but a possibly a 919.
She was "eye flirting" with me from a table full of girls and I was just a young lad, just turned 21. My friends and I walk up to their table and introduce ourselves. Now I would like to say I didn't use an overly cheesy line but chances are it was something like, "Hey, looks like you need some company".
Don't judge me. Like I said, I was young and probably had 3 too many Captain and Cokes. In fact, I'm going to blame it all on the Captain. Him and his deliciously flavored spiced rum, and when mixed with coke and a splash of lime, I can't he held accountable for my actions.
Either way, she suckered me into buying her shots....her and her 3 friends. Then just like a ninja turtle she and her 3 friends vanished without a trace. Dammit!
Here's the thing that really chaps my ass. I'm not a bad looking guy. I have a great looking girlfriend and shes not one of the, "I need a guy that looks worse than me so I can feel like I have the power in the relationship" kind of a girl.
That same night, I got duped again! This time at another bar. Same situation however I had bought a shots for her and 6 of her friends. That's 7 people! (I was a math major) That's roughly $65 dollars of drinks. For what, a 30 second dance and then poof, like a David Blane trick she and her 6 friends, yet again, vanish without a trace. To make things worse, she was probably only a 616. But hey, you win some and loose some. I put the blame solely on the alcohol.
Now that I've aged, and grown older, I now know the way of the drink stealing samurai. No longer will your lustful eyes pierce my wallet for your insatiable thirst, or your heart stopping laugh with the hand ever so lightly on the chest have me at your every call.
So here is A Lending Hand extending the Olive Branch to those ninjas and magicians. Next time you're out and you need another drink, just buy it yourself and save him the heart ache of being duped. Its a win-win situation. You don't have to dodge him all night after you make your escape and you feel more independent for buying your own drink.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
So the guy you're dating is actually taken (before you even met him)
I've must have heard this story thousands of times over. Stop me if you've heard this (don't stop me, please continue reading). Girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, girl finds out guy has been seriously dating another girl before her.
If you are one of these unfortunate souls I feel for you. I really do! Thus the creation of this blog site.
The truth is, the only one to blame is yourself for not seeing the signs. The call that goes straight to voice mail (for hours at a time) or the text messages that say, "Hey, busy tonight, call you tomorrow". (You can substitute the "tomorrow" with "when I can")
Yes, the guy is a jerk off for doing what he did. Which leads you to think to yourself, what kind of person would do that to another person?! Men. After centuries and centuries of the co-existence of men and women, there is still so little understanding of the other species.
Our existence is to spread our seed. To divide and conquer. It's our manifest dynasty. we can't help that its written into our genetic code. Its even written in the Declaration of Independence, "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."
The Pursuit of Happiness. I rest my case for all of Men. Who is to question the Declaration of Independence?! Certainly not you, you female!
I digress. So girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, girl finds out guy has had another girl before ever meeting you. What's a girl to do? Here are your following options:
A) Try to win him over and take what is rightfully yours. I mean, if he did love her, he wouldn't be cheating on her. He's happiest with me! Right? WRONG! Men are men. Understand, memorize, and never forget.
If he was happiest with you, he would have left her and ran away with you to some island and you two would be eating exotic foods and enjoying sunsets over the crystal clear waters. The reason he's cheating is that he's either bored, tired of the same girl every night, and/or testing the waters.
B) Bust him with his current (the one he really wants) girlfriend.
Take him down! Hell hath no furry relative to a girl who has been double crossed! You'll do whatever you can to humiliate, breakdown, destroy him, and teach him a lesson in cheating. Cost and time are not issues, even in economic times like these.
However, women think with their heart and men think with well....the brain of the south. This is no new ground breaking discovery, its common knowledge. What women don't know is that no matter how many times men burn their finger on the hot stove, they'll do it again, and again, and again.
Sure you feel better now that hes single, desperate, crying naked in cold shower wishing for better days, but you didn't teach him a lesson, because us Men don't learn. We move and react. And because lets face it, in the end you'll look crazy and he'll still have the upper hand.
Finally,
C) Take the high road.
Some might say that this is showing defeat and weakness. I beg the differ. This shows to him that he wasn't that important anyways. Now I'm not saying let him off the hook completely. Make him sweat it out a bit. Tell him you sent his girlfriend a letter about your tryst. He'll be frantically sifting through her mail for the next few weeks trying to intercept it. Meanwhile, his girlfriend will question why he sits and waits for the mail to come through the opening of the door like a dog waiting for the mail for its master.
Whichever destiny you choose understand this, men do things for reasons that even men don't know. Sometimes its down right mean and at the cost of other peoples' (girls in this case, as is in most cases) emotions. The question isn't how to win him back or how you can wish he never met you. It's to move on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.
Men come and go as do the seasons in a year. Lets just hope the next season treats you more like spring rather than the dead of winter.
If you are one of these unfortunate souls I feel for you. I really do! Thus the creation of this blog site.
The truth is, the only one to blame is yourself for not seeing the signs. The call that goes straight to voice mail (for hours at a time) or the text messages that say, "Hey, busy tonight, call you tomorrow". (You can substitute the "tomorrow" with "when I can")
Yes, the guy is a jerk off for doing what he did. Which leads you to think to yourself, what kind of person would do that to another person?! Men. After centuries and centuries of the co-existence of men and women, there is still so little understanding of the other species.
Our existence is to spread our seed. To divide and conquer. It's our manifest dynasty. we can't help that its written into our genetic code. Its even written in the Declaration of Independence, "All men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."
The Pursuit of Happiness. I rest my case for all of Men. Who is to question the Declaration of Independence?! Certainly not you, you female!
I digress. So girl meets guy, girl falls for guy, girl finds out guy has had another girl before ever meeting you. What's a girl to do? Here are your following options:
A) Try to win him over and take what is rightfully yours. I mean, if he did love her, he wouldn't be cheating on her. He's happiest with me! Right? WRONG! Men are men. Understand, memorize, and never forget.
If he was happiest with you, he would have left her and ran away with you to some island and you two would be eating exotic foods and enjoying sunsets over the crystal clear waters. The reason he's cheating is that he's either bored, tired of the same girl every night, and/or testing the waters.
B) Bust him with his current (the one he really wants) girlfriend.
Take him down! Hell hath no furry relative to a girl who has been double crossed! You'll do whatever you can to humiliate, breakdown, destroy him, and teach him a lesson in cheating. Cost and time are not issues, even in economic times like these.
However, women think with their heart and men think with well....the brain of the south. This is no new ground breaking discovery, its common knowledge. What women don't know is that no matter how many times men burn their finger on the hot stove, they'll do it again, and again, and again.
Sure you feel better now that hes single, desperate, crying naked in cold shower wishing for better days, but you didn't teach him a lesson, because us Men don't learn. We move and react. And because lets face it, in the end you'll look crazy and he'll still have the upper hand.
Finally,
C) Take the high road.
Some might say that this is showing defeat and weakness. I beg the differ. This shows to him that he wasn't that important anyways. Now I'm not saying let him off the hook completely. Make him sweat it out a bit. Tell him you sent his girlfriend a letter about your tryst. He'll be frantically sifting through her mail for the next few weeks trying to intercept it. Meanwhile, his girlfriend will question why he sits and waits for the mail to come through the opening of the door like a dog waiting for the mail for its master.
Whichever destiny you choose understand this, men do things for reasons that even men don't know. Sometimes its down right mean and at the cost of other peoples' (girls in this case, as is in most cases) emotions. The question isn't how to win him back or how you can wish he never met you. It's to move on. Don't waste your time on someone who doesn't treat you with the respect you deserve.
Men come and go as do the seasons in a year. Lets just hope the next season treats you more like spring rather than the dead of winter.
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